About me
surfing the net, chat, i play the guitar, i compose songs, i like reading books, anime, drawing, writing, watching TV, i listen to music like bamboo, parokya ni edgar, urbandub, linkin park, MYMP, the unknown... a confused person...The Unknown Past...
#July 2006 #August 2006_Links___
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He flies through the air with a great difficulty...
"Tumakbo siya daladala ang pangamba at pagsisisi. Napansin niyang lumabo ang kanyang paningin dahil sa mga luhang unti-unting umaagos mula sa kanyang mata. Wala siyang pakialam sa mga taong nakatingin sa kanya. Hinayaan niyang dumaloy ang mga luha at natikman niya ang pait na hatid nito... Ang pait... Unti-unting nilasaon nito angkanyang katawan, sinisira ang kanyang ulo... Itinaas niya ang kanyang kamay inabot ang kamay ng isang nakaputing dilag.. Hinagkan niya ito... Sa bawat segundo lumipas ay talamak na sa kanyang sistema ang lason... Pinapatay siya nito... Napagtanto niyang iyon na ang katapusan..."
Si Matt... 17-anyos; matangkad, tahimik, matalino... Nasa unang taon sa kolehiyo. Kinuha niya ang kursong hindi naman niya gusto, napilitan lang siya dahil iyon ang gusto ng kanyang mga magulang. Marahil ay ipinaglaban niya ang gusto niya kung hindi niya lang sinunod ang puso niya. Alam niya mageenhinyero din ang taong mahalaga sa kanya, kung kaya't iyon na lang din ng pinili niya. Hayskul pa lang si Matt ay si Jillian na ang nasa isip niya. Umikot ang mundo niya dito... Ayos sana kung magkasintahan sila, pero hindi. "kuya" ang tawag sa kanya ni Jillian. Kapatid... Maaaring hanggang dun na lang... Masaya na siya doon... Alam niyang masisira ang kanilang pinagsamahan kung sasabihin niya ang nararamdaman. Pero habang tumatagal ay lalong tumitindi ang pagtingin niya sa kanyang "nakababatang kapatid"...
Part 1...
I write sins not tragedies...
Pagkatapos kong magsoundtrip, nakita kong nagdodota ang kapatid ko, kaya minabuti kong turuan siya. Napansin ako na lang pala ang naglalaro, kaya't nagdownload lang ako ng kanta. Napansin kong online siya... Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko... Binati ko siya... nagtataka ako kung bakit hindi siya nagreply... Tapos ilang beses ko na siyang kinulit, pero wala akong natatanggap kahit "hi" man lang... Maya-maya naglog-out na siya... Badtrip talaga! Siguro ay nagalit siya sa ginawa ko kahapon... Sabihin na lang natin na pareho kaming may kasalanan dahil hindi ko siya pinagbigyang magexplain... Naasar lang talaga ako. Palagi na lang kasing ganun ang nangyayari. Sawa na ako... Sawang-sawa na akong maghintay... Sa tuwing naiinlove ako, ganun ang nangyayari sa akin... May magagawa ba ako?! wala! Yun na talaga siguro ang kapalaran ko... Oo, masyadong exaggerated pero un ang nararamdaman ko.
Nagpatugtog na lang ako ng "panic! at the disco" para maalis ung gulo sa utak ko. Pumasok sa kwarto at nakita ko ang binili kong regalo para sa kanya na hindi ko pa binibiga sa kadahilanang nahihiya ako.
"Amph! pwede ba! umalis ka na sa isip ko!"
"sana sa iba na lang ako nagkagusto..."
"Pero kahit anong gawin ko ay siya talaga..."
Oo... Tanga ako. Tawagin niyo na ako ng kahit anong masasakit na salita... Hindi na siguro ako tatablan. Ilang beses na akong nagmahal at nasaktan, lahat hindi maganda ang kinalabasan. Siguro yung isa medyo ok, kung hindi niya lang ako pinagpalit. Pero matagal na un... Iba ung ngayon... Iba siya sa lahat... Kaya siguro ako nagkakaganito...
Just another love song…
“Meet me around 12 noon on our favourite place…” I told $%*.
“Alright, be sure that you’ll be on time.”“Yes, I will.”
I was going to see $%*! I was excited, so I arrived there 30minutes earlier. I decided to stay in a shop near our meeting place.
“I’m already here. Where are you?”
“Inside the coffee shop, why don’t you drink a cuppa first?”
The door of the shop opened. The bright light blinded me; I couldn’t see who was coming. Light breeze swept $%* hair. $%* was charming as ever. It was a perfect scene, like in movies. We stayed there for sometime, then I took $%* into an amusement park. $%* enjoys juvenile stuffs... I tried to play the where you could win a price if you hit the target with one shot. Fortunately, I won. The prize was of course a stuff toy. I gave it to $%*. $%* was really enjoying. We were getting a bit hungry, so we ate in a nearby restaurant. We ate the same food. It was like a date, but in a different situation. $%* mostly talked, and I listened and stared through $%* eyes.
“Oh, how I wish you were mine, you’re so divine…”
After we finished eating, we played again for about an hour. Then the time for $%* to go came. I bid $%* goodbye. I was hoping to get a hug, and $%* didn’t disappoint me. $%* hugged me twice. Ha! I think I’m seeing hearts everywhere! A love song would’ve completed the scene. $%* was making me feel high!
“I’m already home.” $%* told me.
We were sending messages for about an hour. Then I told $%* to get a sleep, to have enough energy.
“I’ll be online tonight.” I told $%*.
“Ok. I’ll call you when I’m going online.”
I opened my pc around 8pm, I was surfing the net when my pc got infected by a virus. “Damn!” I said to myself. The connection became very slow. It was bullshit.
“I’ll be online around 12 midnight.” $%* said over the phone.
“Oh, well. I can’t. My pc’s got infected by a virus. I’ll have to fix it first. Sorry…”
“Oh… alright then… goodnight…”
Why now?? Why does it have to happen now?? I hate it.
Makating talampakan Gusto kong ipikit ang aking mga mata... Bumibigat ang aing pilikmata. Niyakap ko ang kadiliman at hinanap ko ang liwanag na magdadala sa akin patungo sa kinaroroonan mo. Umaasa akong gigisingin mo ako sa bangungot na ito at yayakapin mo ako upang mapahupa ang takot na nararamdaman ko. Nanginginig ang buong kalamnan ko sa tuwing naaalala ko ang nakakarimarim na katotohanan na ikaw ay hindi akin. Hindi sana ako nababalot ngayon sa kalungkutan at pighating dala ng aking pagsinta sa iisang taong minahal ko ng lubusan. Ang iyong ngiti ay nagdadala ng kakaibang kuryente sa aking sarili, at lalo pa nitong pinapatindi ang silakbo ng aking puso. Nahihirapan na akong magpanggap... Sa tuwing ako'y ikaw ay kasama, ang tanging nakikita ay ang taong pinakaaasam sa mundo. Ngunit kahit anong pilit ay alam kong ang espesyal na taong iyon ay di kailanman mapapa-saakin... "I'm falling apart... Is this the life i've got to live?? If you only knew, how misery loved me... Then maybe you'd understand too..."
Ang T-shirt na Pokemon, ang Gitarista, at ang Mananayaw…
Wala na pala akong masuot na t-shirt kanina, kakatapos ko lang maligo… Mahirap magpatuyo ng labahan lalo na ngayong tag-ulan… Napansin kong may natira pa palang isa, yung pokemon na shirt… Matagal na panahon ko ng hindi gingamit yun… Wala akong choice kaya sinuot ko na… Habang nagbibihis ako, may nabuong kwento sa isip ko…
Unang araw ni James sa kanyang bagong paaralan, at nasa unang-baitang pa lang siya. Isa siyang mestiso at gwapong bata, ngunit payat na parang hindi kumakain. Medyo kinkabahan siya dahil baka hindi siya magustuhan ng kanyang mga kaklase. Umupo siya sa malapit sa bintana at naghintay sa teacher nila. May umupo sa tabi niya isang batang lalaki at puting-puti ang mukha nito at leeg dahil sa pulbos. Bilius ang ngalan niya. May dumating pang isang bata babae, si Jane. Kulot ang buhok ngunit nakaayos ito n parang mag-checheering. Makulit si Jane kaya’t kinausap niya si James at si Bilius. Inasar niya si James ng “sobrang payat”, at si Bilius naman ng “espasol”… Naging magkakaibigan sila… Nagtapos na ang taon at bakasyon at pasukan na naman muli. Magkaklaseng muli si Jane at James. Napansin nila na wala na si Bilius. Nagpatuloy ang kanilang mga buhay… Malaki na sila Jane at James. Nagkaroon ng girlfriend si James, pero sila pa rin ni Jane ang palaging magkasama. Nagselos ang girlfriend ni James kaya’t pinapili niya ito kung siya ba o si Jane. Dahil mas masaya siya kay Jane, siya ang pinili ni James. Pagkatapos nito ay hindi na nagging magkaklase si James at si Jane. Nasira na ang kanilang komunikasyon. Ilang taon din ang lumipas at sila ay naging magkaklase ulit ng sila ay nasa hayskul. Naging magktabi sila. Bumalik ang dating samahan. Unti-unting bumalik ang matagal ng nararamdaman ni Jane kay James. Ito ang dahilan kung bkit hindi niya ito pinapansin dati. Nagalala siya, at minabuti niyang layuan ulit si James. Hindi mapakali si James dahil dito. Isang araw tumawag si James kay Jane at nag-sori sa lahat ng ginawa nito. Hindi masabi ni Jane na siya ang may problema at hindi si James. Hindi na sila halos natolog sapagkat magkatxt sila. Sa paglipas ng mga araw, napansin ni James na unti-unti na palang nahuhulog ang loob niya kay Jane. At humantong un sa panliligaw. Ayaw pa ni Jane na pumasok sa isang relasyon kahit na gusto niya si James, natatakot kasi siya na masaktan. Kilalang-kilala na niya kasi ang ugali ng binata. Mabilis itong ma-“fall-out” pagdating sa love at madali din ma-“fall-in”… Kaya’t sinubukan niya ang pag-ibig ni James sa kanya. Matagal niya itong pinaghintay. Sabi kasi ni James kaya niyang maghintay. Pagdating ng summer, di na sila nagkikita pero magkatxt sila palagi. Hanggang sa dumating ung oras na napagod na si James maghintay. Muling nasira ang kanilang komunikasyon, lumipat na ng eskwelahan si James upang makalimot. Mabilis lang na nakarecover si Jane. Nakatagpo ulit siya ng bagong mamahalin. At si James ay ganun din. Paminsan-minsan ay bumibisita si James sa dating eskwela. Matagal din bago naging magkaibigan muli ang dalawa. Pero nabalik naman ang dating samahan ng maghilom na ang kanilang mga sugat. Simula noon ay palagi ng basted si James sa kanyang mga nililigawan. Si Jane naman ay na-stuck sa iisang taong alam niyang kahit kalian ay wala siyang pag-asa.
Sa aking palagay, kung aayusin lang nila ang nasira nilang samahan ay matatagpuan nila ang tunay na kaligayahan sa isa’t-isa. Kayo? Sa palagay niyo ano ang magandang ending para sa kanila?? Comment na lang…
As I watched $%* cross the street, my desire to be with $%* kept on getting stronger..."
It was raining; I was standing alone in the bus stop waiting for a ride. I was already drenched in rain, and my feet were getting numb because of the cold weather. Then I saw someone waving at me, holding an umbrella and was extremely attractive… I couldn’t see who it was, because rain keeps clouding my eyes… then I realize that it was $%*. $%* stood beside me, I couldn’t move. We were very silent, yet inside me I feel like I wanted to scream. $%* completed my day… We rode the same vehicle. $%* sat beside me and smiled at me s $%* passed me the fare. The moment $%* hand touched mine, I felt like I had gone mad for a split-second. I looked at $%* face and smiled. I’d give anything for that moment to last, on that seat and staring at $%*… Alas, the driver broke my moment… I can’t help but to suppress a grin. Being close to $%* is the most incredible feeling. I could smell %&* perfume, I could feel $%* skin… I felt warmth all over me… I came back to my senses when $%* said that $%*’ll be getting off. I bid $%* goodbye, then $%* hugged me and $%* was gone. I watched $%* cross the street hoping that I am with $%*.
$%* trusted me with $%* deepest secrets and desires. I called $%* everyday just know if $%* is fine. Then slowly, I learned who $%* really is. I kept $%* secrets and never told it to anyone, until now. Then I started to realize that I was already falling for $%*. $%* never knew that of course. I couldn’t tell $%* for I know that our friendship will be ruined. If it happens, than it would be a big lose for the both of us. Many months past, we're still the same, though each day my love for $%* keeps on getting stronger. I could not hold it anymore, so I confided my feelings to a friend. We were in the same state, that's why I chose him. He advised me to continue what i feel for $%*, but I could not. I could not bear the pain that is affecting me, spreading to my system like a cancer. Then after our talk, I started to avoid $%*. It was a very stupid idea, but I pursued with it because I wanted to know if I could go on without $%*. I suppose $%* knew what I was doing, though $%* never mention it to me. I missed $%* very much, I was longing to be with $%* again. The fact that I care for $%* so much is the reason why I couldn’t leave $%* for that long. I pretended that nothing happened, I told $%* that I was just busy that's why I could not talk to $%*. Vacation came... I went outside the country to spend the holiday there. We lost communication, I tried to call $%* once or twice, but then I got tired. I tried to forget $%* by meeting someone else. I met a few and our relationship was not really serious, "fling" as what other people call it. I had fun with their company but the thought of $%* keeps on invading my mind. Now, we really lost our communication. Only "hi's" and "hello's", nothing more than that. But still, our memories together are still fresh in my mind as if it all happened yesterday. And yes, I still love $%*. That I could never deny to myself no matter what. And if I could just turn back the time, then I could to with $%* again and I would undo all my mistakes.
The time stopped when we saw each other one day in a park. I thought I'd gone mad. I wanted to get away from $%* hug. Even if I mean comfort, I felt pain. I tried to run, but I let $%* hug linger for a bit. It’s as if I've swallowed a rock, coz I could not speak very well. I felt a mixture of anger and happiness. I didn’t know what to do. Almost a part of me wanted to stay in that situation, but most of it wanted to break free. It was good that the hug didn’t last for long. I made an alibi so that I could get away from that place, away from $%*. Fortunately, $%* believed me. It was hard move. I was rooted in the place I was standing on. I came back to my senses, $%* was already gone. I was very silent. I didn’t want to treat $%* that way but I had to. It was for our own good, mostly for my own good. Yes, I was selfish to do that. But I have had enough; it was time that I move on. It would be painful, yet I could go on without %^*. I closed my eyes and thought of %^* hug. It was full of emotion. $%* missed me, I thought. $%* said sorry, I felt $%* sincerity. Though I never accepted it, for the damage $%*'^ done was already there. I opened my eyes again. I watched the setting of the sun, while couples are walking past me holding each others hands. My dream of holding $%* hand like that was never fulfilled. I should have stopped my feelings from $%* the moment I new what it was. "$%* said $%* missed me." But I doubt it, Coz I always saw $%* happy with $%* new whatever. "Whatever" that's the name I used when I refer to $%* new !@#$%^&*. $%* doesn’t need me anymore. I was good as dead without $%*. And yet, sitting here on a bench with the great weight of grief dragging at me, with the loss of $%* so raw and fresh inside, I could not muster any sense. This is the way it’s got to be until I get over you.